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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol