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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.