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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
My life is just one long improvisation.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.