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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.