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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?