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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.