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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.