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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Some people should come with subtitles.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.