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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.