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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you