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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.