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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.