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Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.