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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there