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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
I put the hot in psychotic.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.