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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Soup of the day: Beer
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.