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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.