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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.