Daily Silly Status

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"

There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries

Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.

I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.

I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"

For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.

I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...

My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.

I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.

I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.

I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.

You had me at 0 mutual friends