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Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Save water- shower with me!
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.