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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page