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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.