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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
i dont have drain bramage.