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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
If people could read my mind, Iād get punched in the face a lot.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.