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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)