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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.