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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.