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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!