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I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.