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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.