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Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.