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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.