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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.