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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.