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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.