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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.