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I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.