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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
This century is already 15% over.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.