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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.