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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P