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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
So... Where does one obtain minions?