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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
This patience thing takes forever.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"