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Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"