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Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.