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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...