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My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…