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Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
I liked you better before we met.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...