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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
it`s friday o clock
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin