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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.