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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.