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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, Iām really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be