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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.