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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.