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I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.