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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.