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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."