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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.