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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm