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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.