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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.