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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
How do I tell a man he loves me?
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
“The darndest things.” -kids
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?