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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..