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I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
When in doubt, procrastinate.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.