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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
What if the weather talks about us?
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.