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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
I should come with a warning label.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.