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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.