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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day Iām just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.