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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”