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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)