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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!