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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
That`s not how I met your mother.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.