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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.