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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
What number SPF blocks people?
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.