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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.