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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
Reincarnation is my only hope.