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Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
Smelling another person should be a choice.