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The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.