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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome