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Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.