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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.