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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.