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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?