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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.