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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.