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Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.