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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.