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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.