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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
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Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of