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Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
cuss words = sentence enhancers
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.