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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media