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I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.