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Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.