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My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.