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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
I laugh in the face of normal.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?