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You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.