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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…