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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole