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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.