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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.