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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.