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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?