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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.