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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.