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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.