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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.