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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!