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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?