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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business