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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.