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I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."