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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.