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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Chip clips are for quitters.