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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...