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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"