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I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."