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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?