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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch