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I like the part of the day when food happens.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.