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The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.