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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches