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Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.