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This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.