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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.