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Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.