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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?