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WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
only fights if pillows are present.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.