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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
I`m having an out of money experience.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.