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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
bras are booby-traps
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?