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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."