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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell