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It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.