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New day, same old bullsh!t
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.