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Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.