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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.