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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
take me drunk i`m home
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.