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I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.