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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.