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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.