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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.