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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?