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All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly Iām a big deal...
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"