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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Own the day
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.