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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.