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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.