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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Carfax but for people
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...