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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.