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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.