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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.