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I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.