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Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace