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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.