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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.