Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?