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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I saw that! - Karma
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
You can`t be late until you show up
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.