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After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.