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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...