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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
My whole life is based on a true story...
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!