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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.