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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.