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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.