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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"