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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.