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No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
When in doubt, take a nap.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.