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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.