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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.