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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!