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If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.