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Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?