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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
justin bieber
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!