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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards