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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.