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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.