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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Technically, every picture is a before picture.