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I miss the life I planned in my head.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I make a great second impression.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day